Smile
by Ameba
Summary: Once awake, I am a captive. A prisoner of flesh, I am no longer held by earthly bonds. Eyes open, and the world spins into view……however, it is but a lifeless thing…. Once, I remember, it was colorful. Once, I think, it was beautiful. -Ciel
1. Chapter 1

LOL, this is my first fanfic. It's more like a joke, because I did it to disturb my English teacher. Well, it didn't work, but it's about Ciel. I might be writing some more chappies, depending on reviews. So please give me some feedback, and tell me if I made some stupid grammar errors!

And also, I dunno why everyone does this, but KUROSHITSUJI IS NOT MINE. If it was, I would have made Lizzy die in the first page. Actually maybe she doesn't even deserve a page. Half a page is fine with me.

Enjoy!! (Don't cry)

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Smile

I remember.

"It's my birthday, today!" exclaims the innocent child with cerulean blue eyes, smiling without a care in the world. "Today, I can eat a big cake, and sleep with mommy, but she says I'm getting too big and get lots and lots of presents!!" the child said breathlessly, sentences running into each other in the cold London winter.

Foolishness.

I grow to dread my birthday, cursed as it is. Each times the clock strikes, each time it ticks tediously, I am painfully reminded of how short my life is, and forced to recount – that day. What was once a sweet child turned into a merciless monster, all because of, because of-

Malicious Red. Demented Orange. Bleeding scarlet enveloped me. I was bewildered. Confused. Then horror dawned on me as I rushed out of the carriage, stumbling across sharp gravel. I couldn't take my eyes off the sight in front of me.

The Phantomhive Mansion was burning down, and everything with it.

No.

NO! NO!!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!!! Mama! Papa! Sebastian! I cry their names until my throat is raw, and only choked sounds emit from my broken voice. I can't find them – I don't know this place. I don't know it, everything is a disturbing maze, mirrors, reflected…I'm losing my mind…Where was the place where I played with Father's dazzling sapphire ring? Where was the place where I lovingly stroked Sebastian? The smoke, the haze, it's choking me, I can't breathe…the fire curls its tendrils around my ankles, I'm sinking, immobile, losing, no…no…NO!!!! Salty tears slide down my face, blinding me, two rivers on my ashen face. I can't give up now! Heart pounding, I force the last door open – Father's study.

They were sitting in their velvet chairs, faces hideously distorted by the sparks and glowing of the malevolent fire. The expression on their face was peaceful…and resigned?!! "Mother, Father, GET OUT, LEAVE!!!" I scream, sobbing anew as I see my beloved dog dead at their feet. Father clutches Mother's hand, and gives a melancholy smile. Mother weakly opens her eyes and cups her cheek with one pale, trembling hand. "Mama…" I say, reaching for her, eyes reeling in shock. She replies, words like feathers, lightly caressing me. "Darling Ciel…smile for me, one last time…" Through my tears, I obliged. I don't know how I managed.

The anguish I felt was beyond comparison.

The burning chandelier crashed down..down..down…, right before my eyes…

Black. Nothingness.

I stayed true to my word. One last smile, no more. My lips have long forgotten. Love? Incomprehensible. My life is a perpetual winter. Cold, ruthless. My heart? It has been burned, broken. It has been treaded on like dirt. It has cracked like ice. It has turned into ashes, and blown away with the wind.

No remnants.

Smile. Love. Happiness.

I no longer remember.


	2. Wake

Wake

I opened my eyes to a deep abyss of nothing. It was a vast emptiness, and I was utterly alone. Time and space did not exist. My eyes cracked open, bright cerulean slits in the dark, as I lay on the damp, hard ground, assessing the situation.

It wasn't a peaceful night sky, like the one I was used to seeing in the garden, with twinkling stars and velvet heavens. It was a suffocating prison, blank yet oppressing. I could walk and walk, until my feet were bloody, mercilessly ripped to shreds, until I fell down to my knees in exhaustion, and there was no visible evidence that I traveled in the blackness…. I was lost, caged up….yet… I still remember. I remember when I was afraid of the dark. Was it quite that long ago? Demons, devils, of the most gruesome kind resided in that ebony void. Now, I learn, they only lived in my imagination, feasting on children, dancing around the fiery pyre…blood, blood, forever blood.

The darkness is sweet. A priceless gift. I want to revel in it, let it seep throughout my body like a cloying poison…Let it consume and take control… Let me forget…forget it all….Let it numb me, fill the barrenness where my bleeding heart was so cruelly torn out…

Let me sleep in peace.

The curtains drew apart, breaking the spell. Blinding pain seared my eyes, making me gasp and cry out in pain.

So I wasn't dead?

This is the cruel way that Fate wanted to tantalize, torture me? This? To let me taste the sweetness of death, and pull me back to harsh, cruel reality?

So? Let them come. And I burst out laughing.


	3. Colors

I am so lazy.

LOL, on a whim, feeling emo right now:)

Please review.......if you read it. That would be lovely.

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**Colors**

Once awake, I am a captive.

A prisoner of flesh, I am no longer held by earthly bonds.

Eyes open, and the world spins into view……however, it is but a lifeless thing….

Once, I remember, it was colorful.

Once, I think, it was beautiful.

But now, the colors are leaching out of me, out my body…..

Crimson, like my blood.

But, If I could still see each different shade, lavender would be

The color of fluttering Tyrian purple scarves….

The color of my broken skin.

Yellow cream would be the color of the daffodils that swayed with the capricious wind…

The color of my hands, inert and limp, discolored and thirsting for the sun's embrace.

Sapphire……of the sky, imprinted in my mind.

The color of my eyes, dull, with a dusty film of…….pain?

Alabaster white, the silky soft skin of Mother……..

Now the color of my torturers' robes, maniac laughter resounding.

And

Scarlet.

Fresh, like the blood seeping from various wounds…..crying tears of red.

Burgundy…..the color that is dyed onto the knife, the whip, and their hands…..

And.

His eyes.

Mocking me, with forever that smirk –

Watch me. I will die with pride.

I am Ciel Phantomhive.


	4. Inner Turmoil

I am listening to Vocaloid right now.

However, I am so mad about the Second Season of Kuroshitsuji! Screw you Alois Trancy! (Obviously this could be put in a worse way…) I don't want William and Sebby's love baby! Where are my dear Ciel and Sebastian?

Review please. Seriously. If you don't...oh, I don't know:) Who knows? Maybe you'll find me in your backyard!

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**Inner Turmoil**

I trace the cracked chips on the dark ceiling.

It's dark, but I can imagine the rotting, peeling wall, an apt image for the musty smell.

I won't close my eyes, because even if I do –

I can feel his presence.

Here, somehow.

I hate him.

I hate those eyes.

Like a deep burgundy, they watch me closely.

They watch me, without emotion.

They watch me, and I am violated, to an extent in which I cannot fathom.

He can see inside the depths of the hole that was once my heart.

There is none.

He is watching.

Watching me.

Yet, I……I cannot understand this…feeling?

Like a wave, it crashes down on me.

Pain, Confusion, Horror…..

Am I scared?

Scared of those probing eyes, who searches for my soul?

Even if…I have no soul.

Not anymore.

But am I more terrified of myself?

What is this feeling that I thought I once lost?

I….


	5. Soiled Filth

Filth in the Beauty! (By the Gazette) You ought to check them ought. They are awesome

The Gazette is a Visual Kei (Jrock) band. They are amazing.

They ought to be in a musical genre by themselves.

Really.

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**Soiled Filth**

Scabbed hands, limply clutching the iron bars for support…defiance colored my face only seconds? Days? Weeks…before.

They laugh at me.

Mottled bruises, blue and yellow and purple, inked on what was once a lily white, milky parchment of skin.

They paint more.

Open wounds, deep like crevices, red like rubies…shallow wounds, pink lined with alabaster, like fresh strawberries with churned cream…of virgin purity. Open, for all to see.

They deepen the lines.

Joints bent, skin burnt, body beaten, violated – an unending maze of torture. There is no light, no tunnel…no end to this cage, crude iron bars signifying the futility of escape. I have no more strength for a subtle snicker, or a mere turn of my lips, contempt lighting my eyes. Ironic, it was. If one has no hope, then he is not truly alive. If one does, even in Death's clutches, he still has not surrendered.

And I?

The latter. I have lost all hope.

Kept alive, but abused to the brink of death. I almost touched death's realm, where he reigned as a gruesome terror…that I welcomed.

Jolted back again.

I no longer have the strength to defy anymore – each smarting slap, each rough touch, each bite of the vicious whip…I cannot anymore.

For…

I am filthy.

Dirty.

Disgusting.

Soiled.

I can only become an empty shell.

Yet the eyes I see before me forcefully pull me back. Like iron chains, leather reins, they ask me, tell me, console me…

There's something more.

There's something more than letting Death embrace me.

I am not ready yet.

And it dawns on me, the perfect thing.

A spark catches.

And the void of my heart blazes into a roaring torrent of fury.

Revenge.

Sweet revenge.

I swallow back the bitter taste of iron, and for the first time, I feel my dry lips splitting into a smile so sick.

Never mind the blood on my lips.

I yearn for the blood on my hands. Soon.

I am filthy.

I am dirty.

I am disgusting.

I am soiled.

I am no longer innocent,

But I am alive – with a new purpose.

Beautiful, vengeful, destructive revenge.


	6. Plead

Plead

To them, I lie limp on the ground, helpless.

A broken porcelain doll, abused by many hands.

To you, I am your puppet, strings taut and tense.

I know you feed on my rage.

Then why not?

Take my offer.

Embrace my madness. Help me.

My revenge is endless.

That will satisfy your hunger, will it not?

I cannot feel.

Shadows and vengeance are the only things left.

That's what you love, right?

That's why I can only find you here.

Loitering these dark cells.

Waiting.

For me.

I am a mere prisoner of this body.

And you will

Set me free.

Of course at a price.

I am no idiot. A trade then?

A bargain really.

My empty soul will satisfy your thirst for eternity.

My heart

You can take.

As it's shattered ice.

My body

You can keep.

As it's left in pieces.

The pain is nothing

As long as you help me escape

From this hell.

Don't just look at me.

Impassive as stone,

Eyes flashing

Mocking me.

It was your idea, wasn't it?

So then help me, my master.

I am your loyal marionette.

You are the red string

That ties me from insanity.

Help me out of this pit

Of Despair.

Take me already,

Before

I rot and decay.


End file.
